Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Second year blues . . .

A friend of mine from seminary called me today -- just to say hi! She said she had been praying for me. She had been praying for God to mend my brokenness. At first I thought, "I'm not broken." But then just as quickly as that thought occurred, I heard, "Yes, you are!"
And I am. And not just broken, but shattered. That's just how bad this semester has been. That's just how trying this semester has been. That's just how exhaustive this semester has been.

I shouldn't be surprised. I was warned my second year would be this way. I was warned this would be the year of my Crucifixion -- the year I would die. I feel like I've died. It's taken everything within me to just make it through these past four months. And it's taking everything within me to gather up the strength to press forward toward the next.

At least twice today, I had someone tell me what I good decision I made to pursue a life of ministry. And both times I responded that it wasn't my decision. No, this bright idea to become a minister, wasn't mine. It was God's all along, even when I didn't see the signs. There are times, I still question, "What was God thinking?" These are the days when I find it would be so much easier for me to just get a job at Home Depot, Lowe's or a book store. These are the days, when I feel death the most -- when I don't want to be so extraordinary.

But yet, here I am -- halfway through seminary. Halfway through earning my Master of Divinity degree and so many miles away from the young woman who thought, ate, drank and slept newspapers and bylines and front page stories. I'm not that woman anymore. I'm fast becoming the woman who reads and studies the style of preachers and who takes notes on how to establish various ministries and who cries at injustice and the plight of those less fortunate. I'm the woman who now instead of picking up the latest newspapers, picks up the latest theological textbooks and study Bibles wondering how they will better inform my sermons. I'm becoming this "preacher person".

Some days I like the journey. Some days I don't.
Today is one of those days, where I'm not sure how I feel.
I'm just glad I don't have a class to attend.

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